Burden And Diversion

Stick figure man meets his match at the emotional crossroads

100 Words - Burger King Jesus

 The preacher declared that Marty was Jesus reborn. Marty was pretty sure that he wasn’t. He argued that Jesus probably wouldn’t work at Burger King, or have three drunk and disorderly arrests. Yet every Sunday the whole congregation would come and order Whopper meals and bow as he handed them their trays.

At first he swore at them, a lot, but his boss yelled at him. Though, Marty knew his job was safe, because you can’t fire Jesus in a church town. He learned that if he started every sentence with “Hearken yee, or thou shalt” it made people happy.

100 Words - Yodel In The Dark

 It was nearly dawn at the end of a long night of successful drinking, but unsuccessful debauchery. I left the bar drunk, lonely and hopeless. Then, walking among the still dark valleys of Brooklyn came a beautiful sound. A song. Not a song, a yodel.

I followed the echoing sound to an alley behind a butcher shop where a beautiful young woman yodeled away as she chopped up dead pigs. I watched in awe, arousal and repulsion. I wanted to approach, but couldn’t.

She finished her chopping and yodeling, scooped the meat into a wheelbarrow and disappeared into the shop.

Crossroads

100 Words - Fear The Proles

 

They were told to crush the proles. The only problem was that they had no idea who these proles were. So they built themselves a mighty bunker and sat waiting for coming prole uprising. There they say in the ecstasy of security for the rest of their days.

The archaeologists weren’t sure what to make of the compound. It superficially resembled a fortress but was easily breached. The remains inside appear to have all lived long lives, but those lives were devoid of joy. They found no books, no writing, no musical instruments, no alcohol. These were not fun people.

100 Words - Into the Void

 The void presents itself once again, but this time there is something different. Rather than the scary empty darkness I see it as a place with no restrictions. Endless possibilities. No fear. A blank page.

So what shall we build? What will fill our empty space? Will there be music? Books? Movies? Comfortable chairs, or perhaps even a comfy old couch that never looses the smell of Grandma’s brandy spills?

Will there be a garage? I’ve always wanted a garage. Walls lined with tools. Broken machines that need fixing.

Or will there be monsters, waiting to eat my eternal soul.

100 Words - Aristocrat

 Karen’s primary goal in life was to remove the word aristocrat from the English language. She said it aggrandized the rich. To accomplish this she worked her way to be the head editor at a major publisher. No author under her watch ever got the word into print.

Nobody noticed the slow decline in the use of the word till one day the AI at one of the dictionary website found no current use of the word on the internet and quietly added the word “archaic” to the definition.

Looking down from her tower office, Karen grinned into her tea.

Dreaming In Haiku

What happens when your dreams are subjected to rigidly restrictive formatting.

100 Words - Ramble On

 

Tomorrow I plan to go on a ramble, a long bike ride of no fixed route.. This evening I will make a list in my head of everything that could possibly go wrong. Tonight I will have a dream where a dozen things interrupt my ride. In the morning I’ll chicken out and circle the neighborhood, as usual.

Only, I didn’t chicken out. I made it up the first big hill. It was hard, but not impossible. Then down the other side. I didn’t pedal for an hour. Time to turn around. Or is it? Where does that road go?

100 Words - Jacketed

 Once again they are yelling at me because I’m not acting the way that their pills are supposed to make me act. The pills were bad enough, but this straight jacket is what launched me straight into this tantrum. I keep telling them that if take the jacket off and call off the weasels, I’d calm down. They don’t listen.

The weasels aren’t all that bad really. Mostly, they just keep stealing the laces from my shoes. They occasionally bite my ears, but I think they’re after the wax. Their smell is the worst part. The come through the sewers.

100 Words - Periodic

 

In elementary school we learned about the elements. Our science book revealed to us the periodic table in all its four color printed glory. That night my mother asked what I learned in school. I told her that Mrs. Reno taught us all about periods.

This is where I should say my mother was shocked, but she was a nurse. Nothing related to human functions shocked her. She was confused though when I was unable to answer some simple questions. My oldest brother laughed and explained the confusion. They all laughed at my blush when Mom explained what periods were.

100 Words - Viking Askew

 

Ken’s Viking-style funeral lost much of its majesty when the flames reached the propane canisters that his nephew hid under the body. Though some would later argue that the human debris raining down on the friends and relatives was poetic in a rather bad-ass way.

At the party later they stood around the keg and played, “What’s That Body Part?” as they picked debris off each other. By the time the keg was empty and the scotch was flowing they had a trash bag half full of gore, and were considering its fate, finally settling on the strip club dumpster.

100 Words - The Cardinal Identity

 

He pulled the scarlet robes over his head for the first time and the enormity of his situation hit him. The robes of a Cardinal, representing Sangre de Cristo, the blood of Christ. The lesson for the day was, be careful whose identity you’re stealing.

He kept watching for an opportunity to escape., but found none. Outside his “cell” he was never alone. He was not allowed to be alone. At least when he kneeled and pretended to pray he was left alone.

A thousand miles away, the former Cardinal was sitting on a beach and loving his new life.

Mr. Nightmare

Not all nightmares are unwelcome.

24 Hour News Syndrome

How I feel after watching any of the 24 hour news channels.

Hamlet Gone Wrong

One changed line and the story falls apart

100 Words - Loaded Burdens

 

Peter wondered aloud if there was a difference between a load and a burden. Load seems unbiased, just a measure of work, but burden implies negative implications. “Implies implications? Is that right?”

Mary was not amused with Peter’s musings and suggested he “Pick up the damn couch!”

The couch was the last thing loaded on the truck, and would be the first piece of furniture in their new home. It weighed a ton, but was so comfortable, and probably indestructible. It was known to have withstood a full keg toss back in the college days.

The couch loaded. Door shut.

Bob and Sparky: The Date

Poor Sparky

100 Words - Anvil and Sword

 For our sixth anniversary, the Iron anniversary, I bought my wife an anvil. No, I’m not an idiot, she does metalwork on weekends. She used it to make me a sword. It’s beautiful and dangerous. When swinging it I look like a kid with a cardboard tube.

She keeps trying to get me to go to pretend medieval sword fighting events. I try to explain that my lack of coordination should disqualify me from such activities. She laughs and again offers to make me chain-mail armor. I again suggest she should make something that less involves me in mortal combat.

Why Boise?

Retirement gone totally strange

100 Words - Around The Board

 Luck or doom. Fortune or destruction. My voyage around the game board had higher stakes than usual. Across the table sat a snotty rich kid whose men and their guns were glaring at me. Will they kill me if I win? I can’t afford to lose. That money in the kitty represents four months rent.

We started with six players. The first few bets were a joke, but things got out of hand. The other four went broke one after the other over the course of an hour. Now it’s just me and him, and th6se guys with those guns.

Passing Wind

Fighting the wind. Riding a bike. Facing reality.

100 Words - Mattress Money

 

Back home there lies a man in a shallow grave. I buried him there just before the Fall’s first frost. The dogs will find him in the spring. They’ll know it was me, but won’t come looking. He was an evil man.

No one will mourn him. At least no one who knew about his mattress full of cash. All they’ll find there are crumpled up newspapers and forty dollars to throw them off the trail. One more mattress score and I’ll be able to retire.

The new town and job suck. I wonder where the boss keeps his money.

Web Of Enlightenment

Deep thoughts require a deep web

100 Words - In The Shed

 

There was something in the shed. Banging and scratching noises came at random intervals. Peter opened the door, stood back and watched, but nothing emerged. Brutus the dog went to the door, sniffed and ran away, once again not living up to his name.

Peter tried throwing a rock into the shed. It landed with a thud and rattle, then came flying back out. He tried talking to whatever was in there, but it did not respond.

He went back into the house and called the police. The noises stopped as soon as he hung up the phone. Of course.

Little Death

Death comes in many guises. The little ones may not be as deadly, but they certainly are annoying.

Insomnia Grammar

The things we think of when we're wide awake in the middle of the night.

100 Words - Cousins

 

It takes two hands to count my siblings. Two hands and a foot to count my mother’s. I don’t have enough appendages to count my cousins, though there aren’t many whose clothes weren’t handed down to me.

The cousin bags were always an adventure. Clothes and shoes were removed and tried on. Anything that didn’t fit was returned to the bags. Then our own cast-offs were added, and sent to next household.

Having two older brothers and many older male cousins, new clothes were unknown to me. Maybe that’s why I feel so much more comfortable shopping at the Goodwill.

The Third Dirty Joke

This is an animated version of the third dirty joke I ever heard.

100 Words - Grave Cop

The ghosts gathered at the fence of the graveyard. Sheila, a seeker in the world of paranormal was explaining this to us. We saw nothing, but we believed her. Then the sheriff came and told us to go away, because we were disturbing the ghosts.

“Did someone complain?” Sheila asked.

He stared at her for a long time, then looked towards the graveyard. Suddenly Sheila smiled. The cop grumped, got in his car and drove away.

Sheila turned to us and screamed. One by one each of our friends heads popped like zits. Blood everywhere. June, Fred, Pete, Harry, then...

Sunset Denial

Believe what you see or the Doomsters will destroy you.

100 Words - First Dance

 

Halfway through the dance we realized that we grouped together at the far end of the gym. So without any discussion we all got up and started dancing together. No couples, just a group of boys and girls to shy or indifferent to mix with the popular dancers.

Some of us snuck out to be there. Others were dragged there, kicking and screaming. Some knew how to dance. Others didn’t. Nobody cared. We talked like we were all old friends. Then the music stopped. Our first closing time. Goodbyes, hugs and promises were offered. Some were kept. Most were not.

100 Words - Bonus Time

 

I love it when I wake up at 5AM and have to pee. It doesn’t happen often. When it does, I get up and pee, then go back to bed. I’m alone in the dark. At 5AM there are no todo lists. No chores. No tasks. No responsibilities. It’s just me and my unencumbered brain. Then I fall asleep.

Then I wake up, feeling like I’ve wasted all that time between 5 and now. Like sleep isn’t the highest expression of human existence. There are things I could have worried about. All those things are left floating till tomorrow morning.

Mas Macho

Sometimes there's just nothing better to do

100 Words - Rocky Road

 The so-called gravel road was actually small boulders. OK, very small boulders, from ping pong ball to baseball in size, but they were all kinds of jagged though. If the truck didn’t have pre-Reagan military tires we never would have made it through.

Now we are here, wherever here is. It’s not so much a nameable place as just the end of the road. The sunset over the empty desert was almost worth the trip alone. Spent the whole night digging and half the day filling in the hole. Now I get to go home. Gonna be lonely without her.

Carpet Drive

Sometimes all it takes is a magic carpet

Never Argue With A Clairvoyant Rabbit

It’s impossible to win an argument with a clairvoyant bunny rabbit. First, they know things. Second, they don’t speak English. Finally, they’re mean!

100 Words - Creepy Old Guy

 Try as I might I’ve never been able to pull off the creepy old guy at the bar persona. I’ve tried a series of maneuvers to give off a “this guy might be dangerous, hide your daughters” kind of vibe, but I’m just too obviously harmless.

Apparently I was raised right. Or maybe I’m mentally ill. Insanity is easier to accept than failure of appearance. Not just that good an actor.

There just aren’t enough drunk young women with grandpa fetishes. It happens on TV all the time, but I’m starting to think that it’s all just a male fantasy.

The Vampire Chicken

A semi-true tale of animal violence and parental betrayal

Dusk, Neon and the Prophecy

What fate awaits our hero?

100 Words - Octopus Tangents

Peter’s dreams would start in a variety of ways but they always ended with him being eaten by octopuses. As phobias go, fear of becoming octopus fodder is pretty rare. It became so bad that Peter was eventually unable to interact with any tentacled creature.

Oh, and I recently found out that since octopus is a Greek word, octopuses is the correct plural for casual conversation. I consider my writings to be casual. You really shouldn’t take anything that I write to be authoritative, or for that matter, true. That’s why it’s called fiction. Does this count as fiction? Unknown.