Checkers

 

David’s life was a yo-yo journey between the heights of madness and the depths of depression. He had pills that evened him out, but he said that they mushed his brain so much that he couldn’t beat a chimp at checkers. Though he never had the chance to prove it.

First of all, checker-playing chimps were not easy to come by. Amazon doesn’t sell them, and the medical animal supply company requires much more paperwork than David could supply. He tried a few other animals with simpler permit requirements, but their checker skills were subpar.

He devised a series of experiments using human opponents but kept running into roadblocks. First, the control state, to prove he was a genius when it came to checkers, could only be accomplished if he went off his meds. So he often wound up incarcerated before he could find a worthy opponent.

He tried playing people in the various wards, but he found no players the theoretical chimp couldn’t beat anyway. He tried playing computer opponents, but they were too predictable. The doctors weren’t any help. They tried to convince him that since nobody could beat him at checkers, he wasn’t as impaired as he imagined.

Then he met Fred.

Fred was winning dollar bills, the maximum bet allowed by the attendants, from the other patients by beating them at tic-tac-toe. Eventually, Fred challenged David, and they drew. They grinned at each other for a while, then discussed the morons who think the center square is the secret. They knew better.

Of course, they moved to checkers. Fred won the first game. David won the next two. Then Fred won three in a row, taking the best of five. Fred stared at David for a long time. He agreed that David was a better player, but he made mistakes every third or so move.

David slept well that night. His theory was proven correct. In the morning he found Fred and asked him to go with him to the doctor to explain what happened with the checkers games. Fred frowned, saying that he didn’t think he could help David with his problem.

David asked, “Why not?”

Fred replied, “Because...I...kill...children.”

Suddenly David’s checkers difficulties seemed trivial.